Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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