Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
you never un-have a 4some
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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