No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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