Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
