MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
