I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
