Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
