I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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