Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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