you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
