Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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