She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
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My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
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Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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