dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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