Me too!
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
