i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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