the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
