I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
