Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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