I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
