I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
