Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
