were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
