If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
