She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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