Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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