its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
