god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
