you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
