just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
