When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
my shit smells like andre
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
