Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
