I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
