ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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