you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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