seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
