I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
