he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
