hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
