cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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