I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
