Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
