My boss' voice literally gives me gas
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
