Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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