Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
