i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
His nipple licking is glorious
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