I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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