I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
