I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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