Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
