Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
3pm strippers are depressing
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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